Spiral

The intrusive thoughts are coming again. They torment me at the most inopportune moments but then again, every moment is one I wish they weren't there. Images of death in my mind. Suggestions of torture. I am constantly bombarded by ideas that my brain conjures up. And I hate it. I hate that this happens to me when all I want is to be normal. Why can't I just have a brain that actually works? Why am I set off course by one tiny little thing and I have to spend the rest of the day holed up in my room because I feel like I want to kill myself or someone else? I just want to stop feeling things so hard and I want the pain in my heart to go away. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to stop feeling like I'm going to crumble into a million pieces if someone doesn't like me. I want to stop hating myself so much when I make someone upset or when things do go exactly as I plan them to. I want to be able to get through an entire day without crying. The fucking crying is the worst part. I'm tired of thinking of people that are no longer in my day-to-day life and sobbing. They aren't there for a reason. I GOT RID OF THEM. So why am I crying?? I'm the one who removed them from my life so it doesn't make any fucking sense that I'm upset. I'm okay angry that I've decided I need boundaries. Why can't I just go with the flow and let life just be what it is?? I'm SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm glad I'm sober but I have never been more exhausted by my own emotions in my whole fucking life. I miss my mom. I miss her hugs. I keep thinking about what happens if I never see her again because I'm trying to have a different relationship with her now. I miss Aidan and Ben. I can still hear the sound of them laughing when I make a stupid joke. Ben's laughter was always so loud and sharp, no matter what the joke. Aidan's is so rare that when you do make him laugh, it feels like you saved an entire country from starvation. I miss the way I actually felt safe when they would hug me. I'm so angry. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I'm a useless excuse for a human being. I don't deserve to be here. I want to rip my fucking skin off and throw myself off the edge of a canyon. I want to stop feeling. Please take the pain away. I feel it all the way from my heart to every nerve ending. My eyes feel like they're on fire. I just want it to end. I need it to end. I need to stop feeling. I am begging every goddess and spirit that I believe in to send me some sort of sign that I'm doing the right thing. This doesn't feel good. It hurts. I hate it. I want everything to stop. I want to lay in bed and rot until it all stops. I want to fucking stop breathing and I want silence. I need silence. I want my heart to stop feeling. No one cares. Even the ones who say they do, don't. They all pretend. The boys said they cared but where are they? They're gone. Every man leaves you. You're a stupid bitch and you don't deserve their love. I just want to be alone. I'm so fucking tired. I'm in pain. Physical, mental, emotional. It all adds up. I want to be normal.