Better Man

    I wish you could have stayed present in my life. I really thought the both of you would be the ones to prove to me that not all men are the same. I mean, I couldn't even really on my own dad for fuck's sake. I had hoped I could put my trust and heart into the two of you. I remember the one time I had that panic attack. I'm sure you remember it too. You both were there. And you took me into your arms and held me close and told me to breathe. And it helped so much. I remember the feeling of calm that came over my body because I felt safe. There are so few moments in my life that I've felt safe and like I could put my guard down that I relish in them. 

    I have always had to be the "big bad." The tough bitch that won't shut up or back down. The one girl that you can't push around or intimidate with your big man voice. So yes, to say my relationships with men in my life have been toxic would be an accurate statement. I had really hoped I wouldn't have to add you two to the list. Now, I'm not saying I don't play a part in how everything happened. I am aware I am too much and I become too attached and too clingy. That's not a new relevation to me. But I just wanted you to care and to see that I'm just a fucking human being. But you couldn't. And then, I realized. You both have yet to actually live your lives. You have years ahead of you to make stupid mistakes that I've already made and continue to make. And right now, I need someone who sees the goddess I am. I need trust, love, worship and validation. And so, these are the things I'm making most important in every aspect in my life. I will no longer settle for anyone who doesn't see how incredible I am and the love I bring to any interaction. I won't accept anything less than I deserve and anyone who doesn't bring the same to a relationship or friendship that I do. I want someone who shows up. 

    Lastly, thank you, sweet boy. Your love recently has brought a part of me to life that I thought was dead. The part of me who thought no one would ever love my inner goddess. You see her beauty, you accept her and you worship her in every interaction we have. You are a gift and I am so lucky to know you and to know that you love and care for me. Thank you for showing me everyday the kind of relationship with a men that I know I have always deserved. You are so much more to me than you'll ever know.