Spiral

The intrusive thoughts are coming again. They torment me at the most inopportune moments but then again, every moment is one I wish they weren't there. Images of death in my mind. Suggestions of torture. I am constantly bombarded by ideas that my brain conjures up. And I hate it. I hate that this happens to me when all I want is to be normal. Why can't I just have a brain that actually works? Why am I set off course by one tiny little thing and I have to spend the rest of the day holed up in my room because I feel like I want to kill myself or someone else? I just want to stop feeling things so hard and I want the pain in my heart to go away. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to stop feeling like I'm going to crumble into a million pieces if someone doesn't like me. I want to stop hating myself so much when I make someone upset or when things do go exactly as I plan them to. I want to be able to get through an entire day without crying. The fucking crying is the worst part. I'm tired of thinking of people that are no longer in my day-to-day life and sobbing. They aren't there for a reason. I GOT RID OF THEM. So why am I crying?? I'm the one who removed them from my life so it doesn't make any fucking sense that I'm upset. I'm okay angry that I've decided I need boundaries. Why can't I just go with the flow and let life just be what it is?? I'm SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm glad I'm sober but I have never been more exhausted by my own emotions in my whole fucking life. I miss my mom. I miss her hugs. I keep thinking about what happens if I never see her again because I'm trying to have a different relationship with her now. I miss Aidan and Ben. I can still hear the sound of them laughing when I make a stupid joke. Ben's laughter was always so loud and sharp, no matter what the joke. Aidan's is so rare that when you do make him laugh, it feels like you saved an entire country from starvation. I miss the way I actually felt safe when they would hug me. I'm so angry. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I'm a useless excuse for a human being. I don't deserve to be here. I want to rip my fucking skin off and throw myself off the edge of a canyon. I want to stop feeling. Please take the pain away. I feel it all the way from my heart to every nerve ending. My eyes feel like they're on fire. I just want it to end. I need it to end. I need to stop feeling. I am begging every goddess and spirit that I believe in to send me some sort of sign that I'm doing the right thing. This doesn't feel good. It hurts. I hate it. I want everything to stop. I want to lay in bed and rot until it all stops. I want to fucking stop breathing and I want silence. I need silence. I want my heart to stop feeling. No one cares. Even the ones who say they do, don't. They all pretend. The boys said they cared but where are they? They're gone. Every man leaves you. You're a stupid bitch and you don't deserve their love. I just want to be alone. I'm so fucking tired. I'm in pain. Physical, mental, emotional. It all adds up. I want to be normal. 

Better Man

    I wish you could have stayed present in my life. I really thought the both of you would be the ones to prove to me that not all men are the same. I mean, I couldn't even really on my own dad for fuck's sake. I had hoped I could put my trust and heart into the two of you. I remember the one time I had that panic attack. I'm sure you remember it too. You both were there. And you took me into your arms and held me close and told me to breathe. And it helped so much. I remember the feeling of calm that came over my body because I felt safe. There are so few moments in my life that I've felt safe and like I could put my guard down that I relish in them. 

    I have always had to be the "big bad." The tough bitch that won't shut up or back down. The one girl that you can't push around or intimidate with your big man voice. So yes, to say my relationships with men in my life have been toxic would be an accurate statement. I had really hoped I wouldn't have to add you two to the list. Now, I'm not saying I don't play a part in how everything happened. I am aware I am too much and I become too attached and too clingy. That's not a new relevation to me. But I just wanted you to care and to see that I'm just a fucking human being. But you couldn't. And then, I realized. You both have yet to actually live your lives. You have years ahead of you to make stupid mistakes that I've already made and continue to make. And right now, I need someone who sees the goddess I am. I need trust, love, worship and validation. And so, these are the things I'm making most important in every aspect in my life. I will no longer settle for anyone who doesn't see how incredible I am and the love I bring to any interaction. I won't accept anything less than I deserve and anyone who doesn't bring the same to a relationship or friendship that I do. I want someone who shows up. 

    Lastly, thank you, sweet boy. Your love recently has brought a part of me to life that I thought was dead. The part of me who thought no one would ever love my inner goddess. You see her beauty, you accept her and you worship her in every interaction we have. You are a gift and I am so lucky to know you and to know that you love and care for me. Thank you for showing me everyday the kind of relationship with a men that I know I have always deserved. You are so much more to me than you'll ever know. 

Ending Toxicity

     Here's a little information for anyone who was curious: It is completely okay to remove people from your life that no longer help serve your higher purpose. If you have a vision of how you want your life to look and there are people bringing you down or are poison for your soul, feel free to push them out the door. For me, it was about realizing I only get one life and I have already been close to dying multiple times. Why do I want to spent the time I have left being miserable or being treated like shit by people who don't give a fuck about me? The answer is simple: I don't. And while it may be EXTREMELY uncomfortable making these changes, (It absolutely is), I wouldn't change it for anything. I now am surrounding myself with a support group that is full of nothing but people who wish me the best and support me in my dreams and aspirations. I don't fight anymore. I don't scream or have to argue my opinions. I just live and let things go. I have people in my life that I love so much and support them because I receive the same in kind. The toxicity I once lived with is gone and I can finally breathe. I feel so blessed to be the person I am right now and so happy that I get to learn to love myself and I'm done trying to prove to others that I deserve to be loved. I'm done begging people to treat me right and asking them to stay. From now on, I'm loving myself the way I've always loved everyone else. 

Becoming An Author

    There are so many times in my life that I was told to not focus on my dreams but instead, focus on learning a trade or making as much money as possible. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trade school or manual labor but it's just not what I ever pictured myself doing. I've always wanted to write and see my name, and my words, in print. From the time I was a young girl, I read from daylight to midnight, absorbing every piece of information I could. After I graduated college, things just didn't work out for me in the field of writing. I didn't put as much effort into it as I could. I had a couple small positions as column writer for an online magazine and writing articles for small journals. It was never really what I had dreamed for myself. 

    Recently, after much arguing with myself, I've decided to follow my dream. I want to take the individual moments that have made up my life and create a book of poetry documenting my journey. It is going to be about finding my own spirituality and reaching out to Hecate to help me when I didn't think I could go on any longer. In the past three months, I have become so much more in tune with my heart and my spirit. I feel more connected to my inner witch than I ever have. I know I am more perceptive to people's energies when I allow myself to be completely connected with myself. I also want to share my story with the world, in the hopes that I can help other women who have been abused mentally or emotionally. It also is going to cover my life with addiction and fighting my own demons to get where I am today. I'm so excited to share it with the world and be the warrior queen I was always meant to be.